feelin like mr crocker rn

 started me period again in the same month i feel like trash, not really surprising though. feel like my period gets worse every time it comes around, the next time i go to the doctor imma ask for something else because sometimes this ibuprofen doesn't cut it. been really cravin seafood lately ion know why, even Tho i have Cajun alfredo to eat among other things the only thing I'm thinking about right now is a 12 pound bag of seafood boil SPICY (hehe reference) and some salmon would really awesome rn , i ate a little of my Cajun alfredo and it's...Okay it def needs a little more seasoning, the potato was....idk but it wasn't potatoing for me , the chicken was okay its just chicken. on another note HAPPY PRIDE MONTH !! im tempted to go back to the mall for clothes , Toodlesss! luv ya 

a bomb factory...theyre bombs!

 i let myself slip up again! now im failing again... im not even sure therapy can fix me at this point maybe i do need those pills im just tired of being like this and we keep fighting but IT'S NOT EASY TO STOP she keeps saying "just stop" do this do that OH YEAH LEMME JUST STOP BEING DEPRESSED IM SURE THATLL HELP sooooo easy all i had to do was turn it off. what a fucking joke , THIS SHIT IS ACTIVELY RUINING MY LIFE DAY AFTER DAY AND YOUR SUGGESTION IS "JUST STOP"???????  this is why i dont tell her shit , IF IT WAS THAT EASY I WOULD BE NORMAL AGAIN ,  I WOULDNT BE FAILING MY CLASSES , BED ROTTING , AND CRYING AT 12 AM ABOUT HOW PATHETIC I AM AND WONDERING WHY IM STILL HERE. MY DAD RUINED MY LIFE , DEPRESSION IS RUINING MY LIFE , ANXIETY IS RUINING MY LIFE why am i here.....how did things get so bad??

 everything goes back to HIM i wasted so much of my life on everyone but myself !! BECAUSE I DIDNT WANNA BE LEFT ALONE always tagging behind like a dog....you know how embarrassing it is to be following behind people youve known for years? following them around even if they don't wanna talk to me, even if they're talking to their own friends , i didnt even care... i just didn't wanna be left alone. especially looking back at it now HOW DEGRADING THAT WAS , TO BE OKAY SITTING THERE LIKE A DOG AND NOT EVEN CARE IF THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK MY WAY , WAITING FOR THEM TO INCLUDE ME , TO REMEMBER IM RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. ALL MY LIFE IVE BEEN CHASING PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME JUST FOR THEM TO NOT EVEN GLANCE AT ME

.... my "dad" guessing he got bored of me when he couldn't use me anymore but i would've never imagined the day where i decided to stop hanging around my cousins....the day i noticed our relationship fading....no more dolls , playing in the backyard , watching movies on the DVD player , bonding over seen tik toks , dress up , sneaking koolaid , playing videogames , now im just here by myself....they dont contact me like that but when they do they ask me to come over but......its been years i stopped coming over because you ignored me... you begged my mom for me but when i came.. you ditched me.....the countless birthdays i invited you to for US to hangout & you ditch me for a random girl?......every time you got bored you ignored me.....and i made excuses for y'all..."maybe its me" "i picked a boring place" "its all me"  'they just wanted to sit down"  years...& i gave up eventually the real friends i had started to leave....new groups,,,new schools,,,tried to reignite the relationship but i just felt like an annoying little kid trying to play with the big kids again......so i stopped.. i kept to myself & my console......

they tried to introduce me to other kids but by that time i had no interest in meeting new people . i think was(am still) just so fucked up from everything with willis and the girls that i just shut down completely and anyone new was just temporary and that they too would leave me or not see the point in me and disappear..... so i didn't take any chances burned every bridge i had & gave no fucks... can't hurt me if i didnt like you to begin with..i guess was my strat. obviously, my grades slipped...i stopped doing picture days... cant stand looking at myself .. stopped playing with ivy and her brother outside.. & of course covid happend..laying in bed waiting for class to start ,  blacked out room with a blanket , big black trash bag full of trash and unwanted toys....convinced myself that i needed to grow up.

now ive become an asshole to everyone & no one wants to be around me especially family but ive never cared for these people anyway the one person i did is gone and now im left with these morons plus these people never care until now , i havent seen you bitches in years no i don't wanna come over!!!!! now everyone wants me to call them when my phone has been dry for years!!! now im supposed to call you because you realize your days are numered!!! now the phone goes both ways???? where was my good morning text years ago?? where was yall then?? where was that same enegry then?? yall dont actually care yall just wanna find something to be mad at me for  & use my momma for money when its convenient.

Updates!!!!!

 SO THE POWER DIDNT GO OUT LAST NIGHT YAYYYY , REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE IT WAS BLOWING REALLY HARD ALONG WITH SOME RAIN. also i finally have money!!!! clap it up! now i just need to find my new obsession  😝off topic I HATE EVRYONE IN STARDEW VALLEY except marnie she's cool , the way everyone else is soo mean to me then proceeds to send me a letter the next day asking me for fresh food... ho is you cool? don't want nothing to do with me but want me to spend MY HARD EARNED MONEY and grow you a cabbage? BITCH anyways! dawg do you know that those pads cost $38 !!! for pads bro . why is it so cold this morning!?!?!?

HIIIIIIIIIII

 THE WIND IS FUCKING NUTS RIGHT NOW AND YESTERDAY or the day before? IT WAS A FUCKING THUNDERSTORM pray for me y'all lol , my cramps STILL HURT & I STILL GOT 3 MORE DAYS OF THIS SHITTT .. i don't understand how this is just normal? just sitting in your own blood all day every month ewww anyways! i luv my miffy keyboard so muchhhh its cute, btw is anyone actually seeing this? i see my stuff getting views but I'm thinking its bots considering i don't know how this works and i never get comments, i don't know how to see other people's blogs on here. 

Whatever this is lol

 i wanted to go back to my post on the tenth and expand on that , since elementary school ive been in this weird stage in my life where i just stopped being me i guess? it started with schoolwork and it was and still is hard for me , i always felt like a letdown because i never understood things like everyone else and so i would just cry because i felt so stupid for not understanding things everyone else gets so easily and with pressure to do well i just shut down. then it started to affect my home life, i started to neglect my health and not clean my room for months, i started to tell my friends i couldn't go outside & play and stayed in my room and kept to myself. and it hurts because i used to be so carefree and happy , i was always the loudest person in the room but slowly everyone around me stopped caring , my cousins who i was very close with outgrew me and started to ignore me , i was told by everyone to tone it down & i guess it hurt too much because I've never known how to tone it down i never did it on purpose i was just naturally loud and so.. i shut up and never said a word, even now talking to people i think I'm annoying them. and then middle school came in and i couldn't do it , i had some friends from elementary who transferred there but even they didn't even glance at me (except for one but we weren't that close) and it was too much the curriculum was hard and he teachers were rough and not understanding im lucky i had a history teacher to talk to i still email him today and i confided in him about a family members death , the student were obnoxious to the point where i started to pretended to lose things and be sick just to stay home i couldn't stand going there every day  so i left early and transferred out. now im in high school failing all of my classes and now i need summer school forever, i feel so pathetic why can't i just ask for help? but my mind won't let me, im sitting down in my seat everyday not retaining anything looking over my shoulder to see if im being watched, fixing my outfit & my hair to hide myself hating my appearance just praying the day be over with so i can go home. i don't wanna say I'm depressed because i think that's something you need to be tested for but I've always thought about the possibility of it ..im just tired ..im tired of labeling my feelings as laziness...i feel like im getting worse every day i hate myself so much but don't have the guts to tell my mom because i don't think she'd understand , my life is perfect in every way but im not happy why am i not happy ? I'm 17 years old well taken care of but i don't feel anything even in situations where ive had the best day of my life ... i felt nothing it's so hard to show on my face because i know I'm happy but i can't show it like i want to its like my face won't move. i hate my appearance ive gotten so fat i hate my smile i haven't liked myself for years! ive never felt pretty i feel ugly in everything i wear. my body/face/teeth/voice i hate it all 17 YEARS OF THIS SHIT , but im too pussy to die so......more years of sorrrow to come 

im running out of titles lol

 FIRST OFF, IM DYING! MY STOMACH AND BACK HURTS SOOO BADD, I envy the girls that can just turn on a heating pad and feel better, y'all got it easy. i gotta sit here and suffer while spamming google for period remedies and taking 6 ibuprofens (👀) and 3 Tylenol fours and pray that shit works. and on other unimportant stuff i got 2,000 views on my second tt account !! and my two others did 900+ & 700+ so give it up for me , my grandma keeps spending the money she owes me.... not surprising , my teachers still not letting us go when our break is supposed to start but wanna complain about passing time, they keep extending our classes then think giving us a 3-minute break is enough to somehow take a shit, refill a drink, and garb something to eat. this is what one of my teachers from last year did and im lowkey mad i didn't report her because she would just get on my ass about going to the bathroom and would only leave me alone if i told her i was sick , she would make us go on break early which should be a good thing but then she would at the same time cut the break short like 5 minutes before class actually starts! and would get upset when i went to go anyway. these teachers are just hypocrites the scream about unused passing time yet cut our breaks short! if our breaks are "long enough"  then stop shortening them! Anyways I've been trying to find other dialog options in this one VN I'm playing loll

Talking to myself again lol

 I don't have Drive or motivation or goals or passions and its taking a toll on me , i had a convo with my mom earlier about my future and i told her i just wanted a job and an apartment and that was enough for me and she basically asked if i was fine being a bump on a log and i kinda got upset and told her no one cares but i only told her that because i know I'm just a bum. i have no goals or aspirations and no motivation to do anything, i can't even get myself to get up and shower or clean my room , Do i like living like this? no i hate being like this just bed rotting all day. i think about it every day , i already tried therapy and i had the worst person ever and its irritating because I was really happy to be getting help! i thought i was gonna get better but all i got was a old man who asked me questions like a preschool teacher , mind you! even before i tried therapy , in middle school i made the grave mistake of going to the school counselor and it was the worst! i couldn't even stay for 5 minutes before she'd kick me out, dumb repetitive questions and just put a tin of putty in my hands and sent me on my way then in my freshman year i confided in my fourth hour teacher about my problems but not all the way and it brought me a smidge of happiness to hear his support. I've talked to my mom numerous times! we have the same convo every month! I tell her I'm not feeling the best mentally she says okay we'll get you help and then nothing happens the same goddam cycle, I'm rotting from the inside out and all i can do i sit here and write in my journal and cry. eat . sleep , get up for virtual class, eat again , doomscroll , online shop repeat over & over .....at least my keyboard delivered...