Updates!!!!!

 SO THE POWER DIDNT GO OUT LAST NIGHT YAYYYY , REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE IT WAS BLOWING REALLY HARD ALONG WITH SOME RAIN. also i finally have money!!!! clap it up! now i just need to find my new obsession  😝off topic I HATE EVRYONE IN STARDEW VALLEY except marnie she's cool , the way everyone else is soo mean to me then proceeds to send me a letter the next day asking me for fresh food... ho is you cool? don't want nothing to do with me but want me to spend MY HARD EARNED MONEY and grow you a cabbage? BITCH anyways! dawg do you know that those pads cost $38 !!! for pads bro . why is it so cold this morning!?!?!?

HIIIIIIIIIII

 THE WIND IS FUCKING NUTS RIGHT NOW AND YESTERDAY or the day before? IT WAS A FUCKING THUNDERSTORM pray for me y'all lol , my cramps STILL HURT & I STILL GOT 3 MORE DAYS OF THIS SHITTT .. i don't understand how this is just normal? just sitting in your own blood all day every month ewww anyways! i luv my miffy keyboard so muchhhh its cute, btw is anyone actually seeing this? i see my stuff getting views but I'm thinking its bots considering i don't know how this works and i never get comments, i don't know how to see other people's blogs on here. 

Whatever this is lol

 i wanted to go back to my post on the tenth and expand on that , since elementary school ive been in this weird stage in my life where i just stopped being me i guess? it started with schoolwork and it was and still is hard for me , i always felt like a letdown because i never understood things like everyone else and so i would just cry because i felt so stupid for not understanding things everyone else gets so easily and with pressure to do well i just shut down. then it started to affect my home life, i started to neglect my health and not clean my room for months, i started to tell my friends i couldn't go outside & play and stayed in my room and kept to myself. and it hurts because i used to be so carefree and happy , i was always the loudest person in the room but slowly everyone around me stopped caring , my cousins who i was very close with outgrew me and started to ignore me , i was told by everyone to tone it down & i guess it hurt too much because I've never known how to tone it down i never did it on purpose i was just naturally loud and so.. i shut up and never said a word, even now talking to people i think I'm annoying them. and then middle school came in and i couldn't do it , i had some friends from elementary who transferred there but even they didn't even glance at me (except for one but we weren't that close) and it was too much the curriculum was hard and he teachers were rough and not understanding im lucky i had a history teacher to talk to i still email him today and i confided in him about a family members death , the student were obnoxious to the point where i started to pretended to lose things and be sick just to stay home i couldn't stand going there every day  so i left early and transferred out. now im in high school failing all of my classes and now i need summer school forever, i feel so pathetic why can't i just ask for help? but my mind won't let me, im sitting down in my seat everyday not retaining anything looking over my shoulder to see if im being watched, fixing my outfit & my hair to hide myself hating my appearance just praying the day be over with so i can go home. i don't wanna say I'm depressed because i think that's something you need to be tested for but I've always thought about the possibility of it ..im just tired ..im tired of labeling my feelings as laziness...i feel like im getting worse every day i hate myself so much but don't have the guts to tell my mom because i don't think she'd understand , my life is perfect in every way but im not happy why am i not happy ? I'm 17 years old well taken care of but i don't feel anything even in situations where ive had the best day of my life ... i felt nothing it's so hard to show on my face because i know I'm happy but i can't show it like i want to its like my face won't move. i hate my appearance ive gotten so fat i hate my smile i haven't liked myself for years! ive never felt pretty i feel ugly in everything i wear. my body/face/teeth/voice i hate it all 17 YEARS OF THIS SHIT , but im too pussy to die so......more years of sorrrow to come 

im running out of titles lol

 FIRST OFF, IM DYING! MY STOMACH AND BACK HURTS SOOO BADD, I envy the girls that can just turn on a heating pad and feel better, y'all got it easy. i gotta sit here and suffer while spamming google for period remedies and taking 6 ibuprofens (👀) and 3 Tylenol fours and pray that shit works. and on other unimportant stuff i got 2,000 views on my second tt account !! and my two others did 900+ & 700+ so give it up for me , my grandma keeps spending the money she owes me.... not surprising , my teachers still not letting us go when our break is supposed to start but wanna complain about passing time, they keep extending our classes then think giving us a 3-minute break is enough to somehow take a shit, refill a drink, and garb something to eat. this is what one of my teachers from last year did and im lowkey mad i didn't report her because she would just get on my ass about going to the bathroom and would only leave me alone if i told her i was sick , she would make us go on break early which should be a good thing but then she would at the same time cut the break short like 5 minutes before class actually starts! and would get upset when i went to go anyway. these teachers are just hypocrites the scream about unused passing time yet cut our breaks short! if our breaks are "long enough"  then stop shortening them! Anyways I've been trying to find other dialog options in this one VN I'm playing loll

Talking to myself again lol

 I don't have Drive or motivation or goals or passions and its taking a toll on me , i had a convo with my mom earlier about my future and i told her i just wanted a job and an apartment and that was enough for me and she basically asked if i was fine being a bump on a log and i kinda got upset and told her no one cares but i only told her that because i know I'm just a bum. i have no goals or aspirations and no motivation to do anything, i can't even get myself to get up and shower or clean my room , Do i like living like this? no i hate being like this just bed rotting all day. i think about it every day , i already tried therapy and i had the worst person ever and its irritating because I was really happy to be getting help! i thought i was gonna get better but all i got was a old man who asked me questions like a preschool teacher , mind you! even before i tried therapy , in middle school i made the grave mistake of going to the school counselor and it was the worst! i couldn't even stay for 5 minutes before she'd kick me out, dumb repetitive questions and just put a tin of putty in my hands and sent me on my way then in my freshman year i confided in my fourth hour teacher about my problems but not all the way and it brought me a smidge of happiness to hear his support. I've talked to my mom numerous times! we have the same convo every month! I tell her I'm not feeling the best mentally she says okay we'll get you help and then nothing happens the same goddam cycle, I'm rotting from the inside out and all i can do i sit here and write in my journal and cry. eat . sleep , get up for virtual class, eat again , doomscroll , online shop repeat over & over .....at least my keyboard delivered... 

ion know read it

Haiiiii , i don't know how long it's been but I'm here again, i failed my classes... more of the Epstein files were just released and i am sick to my stomach, uuhh i got my computer "fixed" turns out the memory on this bitch sucks so i have to purchase more someway , ICE is in my state now and i haven't been outside that frequently , not to mention they've already murdered 4 people and shot a teen through a door!. is not real is still committing genocide in Gaza , i got back into drawing! learning anatomy is the bane of my existence !!!!! why is this so complicated!?!? i got a lot of cool things for Christmas a few of them was my girl MIFFY !!!! i lover her so much, i made some more clay stuff and im back into cooking!  

I GOT IT!!!!!!!

I GOT THE COMPUTER YALL!!! i got it, only for 180 at Walmart. it took me awhile bc I'm realllyy picky but i got it ! it has a long battery life, a wide screen and the best part it's pink!!! the brand is Hp so I don't know how this will go but i have i hopes.... i hope I'm not wrong