Whatever this is lol

 i wanted to go back to my post on the tenth and expand on that , since elementary school ive been in this weird stage in my life where i just stopped being me i guess? it started with schoolwork and it was and still is hard for me , i always felt like a letdown because i never understood things like everyone else and so i would just cry because i felt so stupid for not understanding things everyone else gets so easily and with pressure to do well i just shut down. then it started to affect my home life, i started to neglect my health and not clean my room for months, i started to tell my friends i couldn't go outside & play and stayed in my room and kept to myself. and it hurts because i used to be so carefree and happy , i was always the loudest person in the room but slowly everyone around me stopped caring , my cousins who i was very close with outgrew me and started to ignore me , i was told by everyone to tone it down & i guess it hurt too much because I've never known how to tone it down i never did it on purpose i was just naturally loud and so.. i shut up and never said a word, even now talking to people i think I'm annoying them. and then middle school came in and i couldn't do it , i had some friends from elementary who transferred there but even they didn't even glance at me (except for one but we weren't that close) and it was too much the curriculum was hard and he teachers were rough and not understanding im lucky i had a history teacher to talk to i still email him today and i confided in him about a family members death , the student were obnoxious to the point where i started to pretended to lose things and be sick just to stay home i couldn't stand going there every day  so i left early and transferred out. now im in high school failing all of my classes and now i need summer school forever, i feel so pathetic why can't i just ask for help? but my mind won't let me, im sitting down in my seat everyday not retaining anything looking over my shoulder to see if im being watched, fixing my outfit & my hair to hide myself hating my appearance just praying the day be over with so i can go home. i don't wanna say I'm depressed because i think that's something you need to be tested for but I've always thought about the possibility of it ..im just tired ..im tired of labeling my feelings as laziness...i feel like im getting worse every day i hate myself so much but don't have the guts to tell my mom because i don't think she'd understand , my life is perfect in every way but im not happy why am i not happy ? I'm 17 years old well taken care of but i don't feel anything even in situations where ive had the best day of my life ... i felt nothing it's so hard to show on my face because i know I'm happy but i can't show it like i want to its like my face won't move. i hate my appearance ive gotten so fat i hate my smile i haven't liked myself for years! ive never felt pretty i feel ugly in everything i wear. my body/face/teeth/voice i hate it all 17 YEARS OF THIS SHIT , but im too pussy to die so......more years of sorrrow to come