i let myself slip up again! now im failing again... im not even sure therapy can fix me at this point maybe i do need those pills im just tired of being like this and we keep fighting but IT'S NOT EASY TO STOP she keeps saying "just stop" do this do that OH YEAH LEMME JUST STOP BEING DEPRESSED IM SURE THATLL HELP sooooo easy all i had to do was turn it off. what a fucking joke , THIS SHIT IS ACTIVELY RUINING MY LIFE DAY AFTER DAY AND YOUR SUGGESTION IS "JUST STOP"??????? this is why i dont tell her shit , IF IT WAS THAT EASY I WOULD BE NORMAL AGAIN , I WOULDNT BE FAILING MY CLASSES , BED ROTTING , AND CRYING AT 12 AM ABOUT HOW PATHETIC I AM AND WONDERING WHY IM STILL HERE. MY DAD RUINED MY LIFE , DEPRESSION IS RUINING MY LIFE , ANXIETY IS RUINING MY LIFE why am i here.....how did things get so bad??
everything goes back to HIM i wasted so much of my life on everyone but myself !! BECAUSE I DIDNT WANNA BE LEFT ALONE always tagging behind like a dog....you know how embarrassing it is to be following behind people youve known for years? following them around even if they don't wanna talk to me, even if they're talking to their own friends , i didnt even care... i just didn't wanna be left alone. especially looking back at it now HOW DEGRADING THAT WAS , TO BE OKAY SITTING THERE LIKE A DOG AND NOT EVEN CARE IF THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK MY WAY , WAITING FOR THEM TO INCLUDE ME , TO REMEMBER IM RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. ALL MY LIFE IVE BEEN CHASING PEOPLE CLOSEST TO ME JUST FOR THEM TO NOT EVEN GLANCE AT ME
.... my "dad" guessing he got bored of me when he couldn't use me anymore but i would've never imagined the day where i decided to stop hanging around my cousins....the day i noticed our relationship fading....no more dolls , playing in the backyard , watching movies on the DVD player , bonding over seen tik toks , dress up , sneaking koolaid , playing videogames , now im just here by myself....they dont contact me like that but when they do they ask me to come over but......its been years i stopped coming over because you ignored me... you begged my mom for me but when i came.. you ditched me.....the countless birthdays i invited you to for US to hangout & you ditch me for a random girl?......every time you got bored you ignored me.....and i made excuses for y'all..."maybe its me" "i picked a boring place" "its all me" 'they just wanted to sit down" years...& i gave up eventually the real friends i had started to leave....new groups,,,new schools,,,tried to reignite the relationship but i just felt like an annoying little kid trying to play with the big kids again......so i stopped.. i kept to myself & my console......
they tried to introduce me to other kids but by that time i had no interest in meeting new people . i think was(am still) just so fucked up from everything with willis and the girls that i just shut down completely and anyone new was just temporary and that they too would leave me or not see the point in me and disappear..... so i didn't take any chances burned every bridge i had & gave no fucks... can't hurt me if i didnt like you to begin with..i guess was my strat. obviously, my grades slipped...i stopped doing picture days... cant stand looking at myself .. stopped playing with ivy and her brother outside.. & of course covid happend..laying in bed waiting for class to start , blacked out room with a blanket , big black trash bag full of trash and unwanted toys....convinced myself that i needed to grow up.
now ive become an asshole to everyone & no one wants to be around me especially family but ive never cared for these people anyway the one person i did is gone and now im left with these morons plus these people never care until now , i havent seen you bitches in years no i don't wanna come over!!!!! now everyone wants me to call them when my phone has been dry for years!!! now im supposed to call you because you realize your days are numered!!! now the phone goes both ways???? where was my good morning text years ago?? where was yall then?? where was that same enegry then?? yall dont actually care yall just wanna find something to be mad at me for & use my momma for money when its convenient.
